Wrote a song about this once upon about 5 years ago. Guess I’m back to square one. I know now how amazing it is though, how amazing it can be.
I still love you, and not any less than the day we got engaged. The beauty of Love though is that its meaningless unless its shared. In fact if it’s not shared, I don’t know if it’s even still love. It can feel just as good, and it hurts just as much. It is not ‘Love’ though, maybe it’s just ‘love’.
It’s walks by goose feathers at 4am, up without sleep finishing projects.
Or a walk by JO’s and the hundreds of breakfast lunch, and dinner conversations that go with it.
It’s being near O-house. O-house gets me good, because it brings me memories of an open relationship and true love.
It’s a gallery we’ve been in.
A side walk we’ve stepped on.
Every place of every meal we have had. All over the city. We discussed over food, life’s ups and downs, and we planned a future.
I’m having to face the past. I’m having to relive the memories. All the good. And all the bad. The good ones are the memories are really brought back, the bad ones are already there and stuck, regardless of a trigger, its harder to forget the bad. The good memories come on stronger, are amore overwhelming and everywhere in this city.
I’m having to eat it all. Swallow it all up and deal with it. The truth of everything we had.
The chapter of SCAD in my life is the same chapter as Kait. I haven’t been able to leave this chapter. I haven’t been able to turn a new page yet. I’m still stuck here.
The smell of waking up to this city is the same as the smell of waking up next to you. This city acts as your ghost, taunting me.
Making me smile.
Making me cry.
Making me curl up in a ball and feel as though I’m tearing in two.
It also motivates me.
It inspires me.
The world will know our story. I will save the poor souls who would have to go through it next. I will educate, teach, and share, to keep this disaster from being a repeated manifestation in society.
Don’t judge me, on how well I’m “dealing with things” or “moving on”. Everyone has their process. Worry about yours, I’ll worry about mine. I like to face things head on. I like too really learn them, feel them out. I let the problems in, open up to them and find truth. Each time I think I have heard all there is, its time for a break. To process everything. Sometimes this brings up other questions. I think I’ve finally completed the cycle on this one. Regardless if there are any more questions to be asked, I will not be looking to you for answers. For me putting miles between myself and my the memories is not an option. For me, being with family and friends, and leaving this chapter all together is not an option. It might be an easier way. But it’s not how I deal with things. Hopefully you’re learning too. To save the next boy you might do this too.
I had never wanted children so much in my life. As sure as the feelings grew making me want kids I find a similar weird new calling. Maybe someday someone else might bring me to wanting kids again. I made promises to god about you that I’m afraid to break. I don’t want anyone else. I want God, he brought me to wanting you.
And it all seems so weird, coming from a physics nerd, a past atheist, a previous punk. But it doesn’t sound weird when you know what I was rebelling, I was rebelling the way we treat one another, I was rebelling against the worlds wrongs, and peoples lack of compassion. Peoples denial against something greater than just us. I spent my life, praying, meditating, and searching. I spent my life putting others before myself, a tricky situation that takes a lot to learn to balance. I spent my life carrying pain suffering and burden on my shoulders, that I didn’t know I could share with a god, but knew I had to try to lift off of the world.
This is not all of a sudden either. I have been thinking about it for a solid 2 months. Shortly after getting back we have now gone over it in RCIA as well.
From Physics, Rocket Science, and enginerring.
To advertising. To Fine art.
And then to religion, that drove him and kept him looking all along.
Sounds like it could be the tale of an artist.
There are definitely a few more questions to be answered first.
The dumbest part is. Even I brought up abstinence as an option for us multiple times.
Remember the week I refused to partake in anything with you? I wanted to to do right too… I was willing to talk about it… and willing to listen…. You were too weak and apparently never told me how you really felt and what you really wanted. and now i get all the blame. Their is no excuse, just as I asked you plenty of times to tell me if you thought your love was any less than mine, so that we could have broken off the relationship easily, I asked you plenty of times about this one too…. Their is no excuse
The beauty you showed me with her proved undoubtedly your existence. The same way it undoubtedly showed me I wanted the first thing I saw, smelled and felt every morning to be her. I wanted nothing more than to walk as her companion and equal through life, her perfect match, perfect equal, and permanent protector.
All you have to do is ask. All you ever had to do is ask.
No games, no secrets, no tests. You just needed to talk to me. Anything you wanted, all you had to do is ask. I cant read your mind, as much as I’d like to. I cant make you happy, if I don’t know your sad. I can’t give you something, if you haven’t explained to me what you want me to give.
I hate this. I feel you will never understand how much I love you. How ready and willing I am to give my life for you and how much of it I actually did. I hate, that you've forgotten I'm the strongest man in the world.
I should never have stopped doing the things I loved. I hate advertising. I hate it so so so much. I hate so many things that I’m involved in over my eyeballs, because I knew they’d be good for us, they’d be good for you. Im left with a heaping mound of shit I was living with for you, great. I honestly will never understand. I could never run from you, it would break me too much. I guess I just wanted to believe you loved me like I loved you. I guess I just wanted to believe you trusted me like I trusted you. I guess I just thought, that if you heard my story word for word, you’d still go along with me. It seemed true for a while at least. I don’t know why you ever stopped being open with me.
You said things in that letter like you thought you had never told anyone before…. don’t you remember telling me? I remember talking about the weeks leading up to meeting you…. I didn’t realize it had broken you so much, I thought you were past it.
To this second, I’d give my very life for you. I’ll always tell you everything. I’ve never felt there was anything I couldn’t say to you. I love you. Im hurt. But don’t sit their and gawk at me like I’m a sick puppy. I have far from given up on life. If you think for one second I have, than you really truly never knew me.
This is not a sad, depressed winy blog. This is a blog of beauty, and strength and true love. This is a blog about facing and conquering all. This is a blog about discovering. This is a blog about everything that happens in my mind, ups and downs. I’m not going to live my life as some dumb robot whose measurement of success is how well the plug into the assembly line that is USA.This is a blog about real feeling and real emotions, what we learn from them and how they better us. The week run from their emotions, they kill their emotions, they find a way to be so angry with their emotions they never want to deal with it again, and than they don’t. Don’t get me wrong. Letting go is a must. Letting go is a good thing. But there is a difference between letting go, and living in so much fear that you run so quickly your never around long enough to learn the lesson, or find out if the thing your running from even exists.
This is a bad habit you have that you need to break.
We might have been broken, and damaged. That happens to people from time to time. I honestly cant think of a better person to walk through it with than you. Than that extremely powerful love I had, that would make me do anything. Anything, all you have to do is ask. All you ever had to do was ask. Your fear makes you run, boy does it make you run.
After 2 months, thank you for finally caring about me.
It appalls me that you call me selfish and self absorbed. I might have issues, as everyone does, but selfishness with you wasn’t one of them. Their was one particular issue were I had a problem with that. Since the day I asked you to marry me every decision I have made was based on how it would affect you, your future, your happiness. Im not left with anything but the life you so thoroughly convinced me I wanted to pursue with you. I spent 20 years before I met you, planning what to do with my life. Once I met you none of it mattered. Your the most important thing thats ever happened in my life, it only took a year with you to completely open my eyes to everything I have ever wanted. I don’t want to go to europe, I wanted to join your family, the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. This event has deff shown me though as perfect as something may seem everyone has their disfunction. Im not going to be quick to judge though. It’s never right. Im not going to make projections, thats never right. And I’m not going to test you, cause thats just manipulative, and lying and cheating. I miss you. I worry about you. I’ll love you forever.
The worst pain in the world is putting someone completely before yourself. Building a life around them. Having them leave. Having nothing for yourself, nothing you love or enjoy. You designed yourself for them, you pursued a career for them. They're gone.
and then. the reason they leave you, is because they are so thoroughly convinced you are selfish and put your own interests first.
I almost always put everyone before myself. It's a problem I have and I know it.
I’m not going to stop. I hope you can understand. It’s hard for some people to understand. If we’re in a relationship, I put everyones needs ahead, don’t think Im not putting you ahead of me because I’m not treating you differently than others. Everyone needs help, and everyone who willing to take it I will offer.